Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hopeful waiting

Waiting for this sonogram appointment is killing me. It is in 3 weeks and it really cannot get here soon enough. Each day that I wake up I say a little thank you for still being pregnant and ask to please let me still be pregnant tomorrow. One day at a time right?!?

I thought I had some spotting today, thought being the optimal word in that statement. I am beginning to think it was the mind playing tricks on me. I took a test as soon as I got home, which was, of course, positive. It turned positive as soon as the test got wet.

It is just so nerve wracking going through everyday wondering what the outcome will be. I want so much to think that the outcome is going to be exactly what we want, a healthy, beautiful baby to bring home. Losing Lia Rose makes this possibility seem like it is not the obvious choice as it is to so many women.

I am feeling a little cheated at the moment I guess. I feel cheated out of something that should be wonderful and happy and exciting. I suppose that it is all of those things, but guarded. Add on the nervous and worried feelings which were there the first time, but not to the extent that they are there now. I really want to be happy, but I find myself saying things like, "if all goes well" or "hopefully in 8 months" knowing that the outcome of pregnancy is not guaranteed.

I am continuing to do what I can to take the best possible care of myself. I am resting when I am tired. I am drinking plenty of water. I am taking my prenatal vitamins. I am doing some activities that help to relax me and make me happy. It also helps to keep my mind busy with other things besides being pregnant again. I am finding that I just want the days to pass as quickly as they can and I am anxious for the milestones of this pregnancy. The sonogram is one that I am waiting for, 12 weeks another, but the one milestone is 18 weeks, which is when we lost Lia. 18 weeks is just about October 6th. The next milestone is the 20 week sonogram appointment that I never got to go to with Lia. That is actually the week of October 20th. If all goes well it will be a nice anniversary present for John and I.

I just try to remind myself that this is not the same pregnancy. I do not have fibroids. I need to be positive!

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