Friday, July 31, 2009


Today was an uneventful day. I tend to like them. I was supposed to have my first prenatal visit today, but it got rescheduled until Tuesday. I now know that he has an emergency c-section to perform today and was not going away for the weekend. That makes me feel slightly better.

The spotting seems to have subsided. There was nothing there today and that really helps to put my mind at ease. It is so nice when there is nothing going on. I am feeling well, the only real "symptom" that I have is sore boobs. No morning sickness, but I didn't have it last time either.

It is so nice to not be working through the first trimester. With Lia, I was working and remember being much more tired than I am now. I am tired, but not like I was. It is so nice to not have to worry about getting up 4-5 times a night and just be able to fall back asleep.

I have been thinking about Lia often. I wonder if she sent this new baby, if she picked this new baby out for us. Maybe she has already seen this little babies soul and thought that this child would be perfect for her mommy and daddy. I just pray that this baby will stay with us and grow strong and become our child here on earth. John and I will be such great parents. The two of us want nothing more right now. I feel that this is going to be a long seven months, but I hope that it goes by quickly.

I am trying not to look too far into the future right now. I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just look forward to my next appointment. Right now I don't know when I am having another sonogram and that is killing me a little bit. I am hoping the doctor may do one in the office on Tuesday, but I honestly have no idea. I am so anxious to see what he has planned for me and how he will monitor this pregnancy.

It seems that all is going well so far. I hope that it continues.

The Secret Garden Meeting

How do you see or imagine your baby/ies now that you do not have them with you?

I picture Lia Rose in heaven playing with my grandmother. I always picture them together when I think about Lia Rose. I think that it is comforting to know that my grandma is there with her. I picture a younger grandmother with Lia Rose as maybe a 4 or 5 year old with dark curly hair like me and blue eyes like her daddy. When I find my pennies from heaven I think of the two of them playing a game and seeing who can put them in the best spots. It comforts me to think of them in this way.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

seems like it is stopping

The spotting seems to be stopping for the most part. I go for my appointment tomorrow and am very curious as to what the doctor will say. I have my list of questions and I will take it from there....

Monday, July 27, 2009

another small triumph

Each day to me right now is a small triumph. I get through the day and I am one day closer to the ultimate goal. We went for another sonogram today. We have a tadpole. The baby measured 8 weeks and I am 7 weeks 6 days and the heartbeat was 163. It is a relief each time I go and get to hear and see that heartbeat. I go to the doctor on Friday and am anxious to hear what he has to say.

I am still having some slight spotting. We'll see what happens tomorrow after this sonogram today. I am hoping for not much...I guess we will have to wait and see.

Friday, July 24, 2009


More spotting. It seems to be happening just in the morning. It is really enough to make me crazy. I again will play it by ear today and see what happens as the day goes on. Hopefully nothing and hopefully nothing will happen over the weekend either. I go for another sonogram on Monday, it seems like it is so far away.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was asking me about projection. Have I been thinking of things way in the future. I thought about it and realized I definitely have not been, I told her, I am not even sure I am going to get there yet. It is so difficult to feel this way while pregnant. I want to think the best, but I know what can happen. The reality of the situation is that anything can happen at any time. That scares the crap out of me. I think all things considered I really am doing the best that I can. I have my moments of meltdown but really, who wouldn't. I have been through so much since January and as much as this is a "happy" thing it is something else that I have to get through, we have to get through. I know I am not alone through this.

John has been amazing. Truly letting me take it easy and doing the best that he can with everything. It is nice not to worry about stuff. I truly appreciate all that he does. He has been there for me when I need him and even though he has been crazy at work he is doing his very best to be here for me.

We will get through this together, the good, the bad and the ugly, I can't do it without him.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Time is moving too slowly

I had about a day and a half on no spotting/discharge and then had some more last night and this morning. It was peachy brown, but not much. I have no cramps and hopefully it has gone away already. I am thinking that there is just some "left-over" and it is taking a bit to flush out. I really hope that is the case.

I am trying very hard to hope for the best. I will call the office if anything different happens or if I am cramping etc. In the meantime, I have another sonogram scheduled for Monday and I see the doctor on Friday.

Last time I was definitely not as worried. This time around I just want to have a sonogram everyday to see that things are progressing. I just like to know and right now, I just don't know. Each day that passes by is a day closer to the end result and I really hope that it is a good one.

We have told more people then we planned on, but at this point, I am ok with that. The more people that know, the more people that will be sending us prayers and good thoughts and positive energy. I need all the help i can get at the moment.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009


There was more spotting today, brown, instead of red or pink. I think it is old blood. I had a sonogram yesterday that probably aggravated something. I will see what happens through the day today and see if I need to put a call into the doctors office. They really have been great so far. The obstetrical nurse, who you can leave a message for directly, gets back to you right away. It is comforting to know that there is someone who can get back to you sooner than later.

I still hope for the best. We saw and heard the heartbeat yesterday again on the sonogram and I go for another in a week. It has been helpful for me to see this progression. I just pray that we keep seeing progress. I don't want to lose another baby. I think that after going through what I have that I could handle it, but I don't really want to have to handle it. I don't want John to have to handle it. I want us to be parents to a beautiful angel on earth, who will have a guardian angel always watching over them.

I talk to Lia Rose a lot now. I ask her to take care of this life growing inside of me. I ask her to make sure her brother or sister sticks around. I tell her that I miss her and wish she were here.

I hope for the best, but I think there is a part of me that still is not convinced yet. I am not sure if that part will ever get convinced.

Monday, July 20, 2009

another sonogram

Today I had sonogram number 4. We saw and heard the heartbeat again, and everything looks good. The sonographer said the baby measured 6 weeks 5 days, but I should be 6 weeks 6 days. She said everything was fine. I will go for another sonogram next week and then see the doctor a few days later.

I haven't had any bleeding today and I hope that it stays that way, although with the sonogram I am not quite sure that it will. I am keeping my fingers crossed though.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Relief after the stress-july 16

I had an ultrasound on Monday and saw the heartbeat. It was a relief after having some spotting. The on Wednesday at 2AM I woke up to bring red blood stain. I was convinced that I was losing this pregnancy. I just looked at John and blankly said, "I am going to lose this baby." I called the office as soon as it opened and they had my come in for another ultrasound. I was terrified, not knowing what I was going to find out. I breathed a sigh of relief when the sonographer not only saw, but heard the heartbeat. That rhythmic thumping was music to my ears. I was even able to call John and he could hear it over the phone. I just sat there and cried.

I made an appointment with my doctor for the next day. I knew that I just needed reassurance. I also saw his partner yesterday he told me that everything looked good, but I wasn't out of the woods, which I know all too well. He reassured me, but I didn't have an explanation to my bleeding. I saw my doctor today and he determined that he believes the bleeding was coming from capillaries that burst on my cervix. There were two of them that he cauterized, and I had two instances of bright red bleeding so it makes sense. I haven't had much of anything since then. A little bit, but I do believe it was from the cauterization itself. The doctor also told me that after seeing and hearing the heartbeat there is about a 2% chance of miscarriage even with bleeding. He wants me to stop working for the summer, which will be ok. It is somewhat of a relief, although we will just have to be careful. I am going to take the best care of myself that I can.

I will keep praying and hoping that all goes well this time. I want to come home with a healthy baby.

ugh-july 14

More spotting this morning. It is enough to make me crazy, but I am hoping that it is just "normal." Seeing that little heart beating definitely helped, but the spotting still makes me nervous.

Nervous relief

July 13
I spotted more this morning. It is the most that I have spotted. It stopped and then started up again, just a little. It seems to have stopped now. It makes me nervous every time it happens. I have to try to remain calm.

I did get good news today. My blood work levels all came back exactly how they should. The levels doubles which is what they should have done. I also had an ultrasound today. There was growth and the women who was doing the sonogram was pleased. We got the added bonus of being able to see the heartbeat. It is truly an amazing thing.

I am feeling relieved, but I am sure that nerves will set in again. I go for another sonogram on Monday. Hopefully it will be more good news.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Feeling better

I guess I am feeling a little better. I am still pretty nervous. I haven't had any more spotting though which makes me feel good. Hopefully at tomorrows sonogram there will have been growth. I can be hopeful and say maybe even a heartbeat, but I think it is still too early.

I can't wait to see my doctor. I am nervous about everything. People tell me to relax, but that is a difficult thing to do after what John and I have been through. We do not have the warm and fuzzy happy ending of a 9 month pregnancy. We have loss and grief, that is what pregnancy is to us. It is like we are awaiting the inevitable like we can't possibly come home with a baby this time, but I am hopeful that we will. A brother or a sister for Lia Rose it would be almost perfect. It will never be perfect, but I will take almost perfect.

I think about the fact that if I did not lose Lia Rose that this baby would not be here now. I would have conceived this child days after giving birth to Lia Rose which wouldn't even have been possible. So, this child, who will hopefully live on this earth, wouldn't have been able to exist without losing Lia Rose.

I miss Lia Rose everyday!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

another one!!!

So, I had some spotting last night. I called today and left a message for the nurse. She wanted me to come in for a sonogram and check. So I did. I went for the sonogram and there is a sac right where it should be. The doctor says that it looks good for how far along I am. The kicker is that I have another fibroid. The sonographer says it is in a "good" location and that it is very small, but my other ones were very small. This has me the most nervous out of anything. They took blood to measure my hormone levels and I will go back and have more blood drawn on Friday, and then go back for a sonogram on Monday.

The fibroid thing really has me thrown. I am so nervous about it. As if I was not nervous enough about this pregnancy to begin with, I have to worry about another fibroid growing along with the baby. Just hoping for the best! I am pretty nervous though.

I met Dr. Wagner today, Dr. Goldman's partner. He was very nice and eased my mind a little bit, but I realize that there is only so much that they can say and that they know. It was reassuring though and at least I know the sac is in the right place.


I had some light spotting last night and possibly yesterday. I did take a test which came back positive. The spotting was definitely there last night, but I am not sure if it was there in the day or not. At first I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, but now I am not sure if they were or not.

I think I will call the doctor today. I don't know what they will do, but it would be nice if maybe they did a blood test or something. We'll see...hopefully they don't tell me to wait.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Hopeful waiting

Waiting for this sonogram appointment is killing me. It is in 3 weeks and it really cannot get here soon enough. Each day that I wake up I say a little thank you for still being pregnant and ask to please let me still be pregnant tomorrow. One day at a time right?!?

I thought I had some spotting today, thought being the optimal word in that statement. I am beginning to think it was the mind playing tricks on me. I took a test as soon as I got home, which was, of course, positive. It turned positive as soon as the test got wet.

It is just so nerve wracking going through everyday wondering what the outcome will be. I want so much to think that the outcome is going to be exactly what we want, a healthy, beautiful baby to bring home. Losing Lia Rose makes this possibility seem like it is not the obvious choice as it is to so many women.

I am feeling a little cheated at the moment I guess. I feel cheated out of something that should be wonderful and happy and exciting. I suppose that it is all of those things, but guarded. Add on the nervous and worried feelings which were there the first time, but not to the extent that they are there now. I really want to be happy, but I find myself saying things like, "if all goes well" or "hopefully in 8 months" knowing that the outcome of pregnancy is not guaranteed.

I am continuing to do what I can to take the best possible care of myself. I am resting when I am tired. I am drinking plenty of water. I am taking my prenatal vitamins. I am doing some activities that help to relax me and make me happy. It also helps to keep my mind busy with other things besides being pregnant again. I am finding that I just want the days to pass as quickly as they can and I am anxious for the milestones of this pregnancy. The sonogram is one that I am waiting for, 12 weeks another, but the one milestone is 18 weeks, which is when we lost Lia. 18 weeks is just about October 6th. The next milestone is the 20 week sonogram appointment that I never got to go to with Lia. That is actually the week of October 20th. If all goes well it will be a nice anniversary present for John and I.

I just try to remind myself that this is not the same pregnancy. I do not have fibroids. I need to be positive!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

still pregnant

I took a test in the middle of the day yesterday and it was still positive. Seeing that little line in that window is like a breath of fresh air. I told some of our friends yesterday. We were at a barbecue and I wasn't drinking and the antibiotics were only taking me so far. Finally I said, "NO I CAN'T HAVE A DRINK" our friend said "Oh!, Can I give you a hug?" his wife was thrilled too, she is due in 5 weeks. It is still tough to see her, but I did better. I just can't help but think that my daughter should be one month old right now.

My mom told me that she can see the relief on my face. Maybe I feel slightly relieved. I was very nervous that it was going to take a long time to get pregnant again. That was far from the truth. It took us just over a month. The first month apparently we were not even technically supposed to be trying so it is a good thing that it didn't work then. So, now I don't even count it.

I am relieved that I am pregnant again. I know that I can be pregnant. When there will be some true relief is when I hear this baby cry for the first time and then get to hold this life that we created. I want this baby to live a long life in this world. Lia Rose will have a brother or a sister. I have a feeling that she already knows what it is. I hope that she is up in heaven know taking good care of her mommy and daddy because we really need her looking our for us now.

I miss her every day, and I guess time makes it a little easier, but it is still so hard. I am scared every day that something is going to happen with this pregnancy. I know that the odds are in my favor this time, but the thoughts creep in. I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and really that is all that I can do right now. It is not in my hands. That is one of the most difficult things to accept. There is this new life growing inside of me and I essentially have no control over what happens to it. I can only hope and pray for the best.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


I am so nervous about this pregnancy. I am still finding it hard to believe that I am actually pregnant. I don't necessarily feel pregnant and that makes me nervous too. I would welcome a little bit of morning sickness just to know that this is all real.

I think that today I want to get a few more tests because somehow seeing that line on a pregnancy test gives me some peace of mind.

I think my chest already grew a little bit too. We'll see...I am just trying to take good care of myself. I am trying to think of this as a completely different situation, but I am haunted by what happened in the past and what I know has happened to others.

Please let this baby grow and live inside of me and then live a long and healthy life in this world.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


I am pregnant! I am a mother already although my baby girl is in heaven. I am pregnant again! I had a feeling on Saturday June 27th that I may be. My stomach just didn't feel quite right. I woke early on June 28th and took a test. I could not believe my eyes, but there was a faint line there. I woke up John, who confirmed that there was a faint line there. The next morning I woke up and took two different tests and they both showed positive. I was still in disbelief. I have taken 2 more tests since then and all have come up positive, I am still in disbelief.

This pregnancy is so wanted. I am trying to remain calm and positive. I am nervous and afraid. I want to know the outcome, and do not want to wait 8 more months to find out. I hope that this pregnancy is successful. I know that my last pregnancy probably would have been successful had it not been for the degenerating fibroid at 18 weeks pregnant. I tell myself that our baby girl Lia Rose was perfect, there is no reason why I should believe that this pregnancy wouldn't be ok. After losing a baby, it is hard to believe that.

John is very nervous too. He just wants me to be ok. I think he is afraid to lose me on many levels. Physically he obviously does not want to lose me, but there is an emotional piece too. I know that he does not want to lose me emotionally either. I am just beginning to get back to some semblance of my old, pre-loss, self.

I am feeling pretty well. I had a few bouts of nausea early on, many before I was even positive I was pregnant. I am tired already and my boobs hurt a little. They may not hurt as much as the first time, but I think they may have grown already.

I am anxiously awaiting my first sonogram on July 27th. That day cannot get here soon enough. My first doctors appointment is on July 31st. I still can't believe that it is real. I may have to take a test a day until the sonogram.