Sunday, July 5, 2009

still pregnant

I took a test in the middle of the day yesterday and it was still positive. Seeing that little line in that window is like a breath of fresh air. I told some of our friends yesterday. We were at a barbecue and I wasn't drinking and the antibiotics were only taking me so far. Finally I said, "NO I CAN'T HAVE A DRINK" our friend said "Oh!, Can I give you a hug?" his wife was thrilled too, she is due in 5 weeks. It is still tough to see her, but I did better. I just can't help but think that my daughter should be one month old right now.

My mom told me that she can see the relief on my face. Maybe I feel slightly relieved. I was very nervous that it was going to take a long time to get pregnant again. That was far from the truth. It took us just over a month. The first month apparently we were not even technically supposed to be trying so it is a good thing that it didn't work then. So, now I don't even count it.

I am relieved that I am pregnant again. I know that I can be pregnant. When there will be some true relief is when I hear this baby cry for the first time and then get to hold this life that we created. I want this baby to live a long life in this world. Lia Rose will have a brother or a sister. I have a feeling that she already knows what it is. I hope that she is up in heaven know taking good care of her mommy and daddy because we really need her looking our for us now.

I miss her every day, and I guess time makes it a little easier, but it is still so hard. I am scared every day that something is going to happen with this pregnancy. I know that the odds are in my favor this time, but the thoughts creep in. I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and really that is all that I can do right now. It is not in my hands. That is one of the most difficult things to accept. There is this new life growing inside of me and I essentially have no control over what happens to it. I can only hope and pray for the best.

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