uneventful

Today was an uneventful day. I tend to like them. I was supposed to have my first prenatal visit today, but it got rescheduled until Tuesday. I now know that he has an emergency c-section to perform today and was not going away for the weekend. That makes me feel slightly better.

The spotting seems to have subsided. There was nothing there today and that really helps to put my mind at ease. It is so nice when there is nothing going on. I am feeling well, the only real "symptom" that I have is sore boobs. No morning sickness, but I didn't have it last time either.

It is so nice to not be working through the first trimester. With Lia, I was working and remember being much more tired than I am now. I am tired, but not like I was. It is so nice to not have to worry about getting up 4-5 times a night and just be able to fall back asleep.

I have been thinking about Lia often. I wonder if she sent this new baby, if she picked this new baby out for us. Maybe she has already seen this little babies soul and thought that this child would be perfect for her mommy and daddy. I just pray that this baby will stay with us and grow strong and become our child here on earth. John and I will be such great parents. The two of us want nothing more right now. I feel that this is going to be a long seven months, but I hope that it goes by quickly.

I am trying not to look too far into the future right now. I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just look forward to my next appointment. Right now I don't know when I am having another sonogram and that is killing me a little bit. I am hoping the doctor may do one in the office on Tuesday, but I honestly have no idea. I am so anxious to see what he has planned for me and how he will monitor this pregnancy.

It seems that all is going well so far. I hope that it continues.

Hopeful waiting

Waiting for this sonogram appointment is killing me. It is in 3 weeks and it really cannot get here soon enough. Each day that I wake up I say a little thank you for still being pregnant and ask to please let me still be pregnant tomorrow. One day at a time right?!?

I thought I had some spotting today, thought being the optimal word in that statement. I am beginning to think it was the mind playing tricks on me. I took a test as soon as I got home, which was, of course, positive. It turned positive as soon as the test got wet.

It is just so nerve wracking going through everyday wondering what the outcome will be. I want so much to think that the outcome is going to be exactly what we want, a healthy, beautiful baby to bring home. Losing Lia Rose makes this possibility seem like it is not the obvious choice as it is to so many women.

I am feeling a little cheated at the moment I guess. I feel cheated out of something that should be wonderful and happy and exciting. I suppose that it is all of those things, but guarded. Add on the nervous and worried feelings which were there the first time, but not to the extent that they are there now. I really want to be happy, but I find myself saying things like, "if all goes well" or "hopefully in 8 months" knowing that the outcome of pregnancy is not guaranteed.

I am continuing to do what I can to take the best possible care of myself. I am resting when I am tired. I am drinking plenty of water. I am taking my prenatal vitamins. I am doing some activities that help to relax me and make me happy. It also helps to keep my mind busy with other things besides being pregnant again. I am finding that I just want the days to pass as quickly as they can and I am anxious for the milestones of this pregnancy. The sonogram is one that I am waiting for, 12 weeks another, but the one milestone is 18 weeks, which is when we lost Lia. 18 weeks is just about October 6th. The next milestone is the 20 week sonogram appointment that I never got to go to with Lia. That is actually the week of October 20th. If all goes well it will be a nice anniversary present for John and I.

I just try to remind myself that this is not the same pregnancy. I do not have fibroids. I need to be positive!

still pregnant

I took a test in the middle of the day yesterday and it was still positive. Seeing that little line in that window is like a breath of fresh air. I told some of our friends yesterday. We were at a barbecue and I wasn't drinking and the antibiotics were only taking me so far. Finally I said, "NO I CAN'T HAVE A DRINK" our friend said "Oh!, Can I give you a hug?" his wife was thrilled too, she is due in 5 weeks. It is still tough to see her, but I did better. I just can't help but think that my daughter should be one month old right now.

My mom told me that she can see the relief on my face. Maybe I feel slightly relieved. I was very nervous that it was going to take a long time to get pregnant again. That was far from the truth. It took us just over a month. The first month apparently we were not even technically supposed to be trying so it is a good thing that it didn't work then. So, now I don't even count it.

I am relieved that I am pregnant again. I know that I can be pregnant. When there will be some true relief is when I hear this baby cry for the first time and then get to hold this life that we created. I want this baby to live a long life in this world. Lia Rose will have a brother or a sister. I have a feeling that she already knows what it is. I hope that she is up in heaven know taking good care of her mommy and daddy because we really need her looking our for us now.

I miss her every day, and I guess time makes it a little easier, but it is still so hard. I am scared every day that something is going to happen with this pregnancy. I know that the odds are in my favor this time, but the thoughts creep in. I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and really that is all that I can do right now. It is not in my hands. That is one of the most difficult things to accept. There is this new life growing inside of me and I essentially have no control over what happens to it. I can only hope and pray for the best.