Hopeful waiting

Waiting for this sonogram appointment is killing me. It is in 3 weeks and it really cannot get here soon enough. Each day that I wake up I say a little thank you for still being pregnant and ask to please let me still be pregnant tomorrow. One day at a time right?!?

I thought I had some spotting today, thought being the optimal word in that statement. I am beginning to think it was the mind playing tricks on me. I took a test as soon as I got home, which was, of course, positive. It turned positive as soon as the test got wet.

It is just so nerve wracking going through everyday wondering what the outcome will be. I want so much to think that the outcome is going to be exactly what we want, a healthy, beautiful baby to bring home. Losing Lia Rose makes this possibility seem like it is not the obvious choice as it is to so many women.

I am feeling a little cheated at the moment I guess. I feel cheated out of something that should be wonderful and happy and exciting. I suppose that it is all of those things, but guarded. Add on the nervous and worried feelings which were there the first time, but not to the extent that they are there now. I really want to be happy, but I find myself saying things like, "if all goes well" or "hopefully in 8 months" knowing that the outcome of pregnancy is not guaranteed.

I am continuing to do what I can to take the best possible care of myself. I am resting when I am tired. I am drinking plenty of water. I am taking my prenatal vitamins. I am doing some activities that help to relax me and make me happy. It also helps to keep my mind busy with other things besides being pregnant again. I am finding that I just want the days to pass as quickly as they can and I am anxious for the milestones of this pregnancy. The sonogram is one that I am waiting for, 12 weeks another, but the one milestone is 18 weeks, which is when we lost Lia. 18 weeks is just about October 6th. The next milestone is the 20 week sonogram appointment that I never got to go to with Lia. That is actually the week of October 20th. If all goes well it will be a nice anniversary present for John and I.

I just try to remind myself that this is not the same pregnancy. I do not have fibroids. I need to be positive!

Positive

I am pregnant! I am a mother already although my baby girl is in heaven. I am pregnant again! I had a feeling on Saturday June 27th that I may be. My stomach just didn't feel quite right. I woke early on June 28th and took a test. I could not believe my eyes, but there was a faint line there. I woke up John, who confirmed that there was a faint line there. The next morning I woke up and took two different tests and they both showed positive. I was still in disbelief. I have taken 2 more tests since then and all have come up positive, I am still in disbelief.

This pregnancy is so wanted. I am trying to remain calm and positive. I am nervous and afraid. I want to know the outcome, and do not want to wait 8 more months to find out. I hope that this pregnancy is successful. I know that my last pregnancy probably would have been successful had it not been for the degenerating fibroid at 18 weeks pregnant. I tell myself that our baby girl Lia Rose was perfect, there is no reason why I should believe that this pregnancy wouldn't be ok. After losing a baby, it is hard to believe that.

John is very nervous too. He just wants me to be ok. I think he is afraid to lose me on many levels. Physically he obviously does not want to lose me, but there is an emotional piece too. I know that he does not want to lose me emotionally either. I am just beginning to get back to some semblance of my old, pre-loss, self.

I am feeling pretty well. I had a few bouts of nausea early on, many before I was even positive I was pregnant. I am tired already and my boobs hurt a little. They may not hurt as much as the first time, but I think they may have grown already.

I am anxiously awaiting my first sonogram on July 27th. That day cannot get here soon enough. My first doctors appointment is on July 31st. I still can't believe that it is real. I may have to take a test a day until the sonogram.