uneventful

Today was an uneventful day. I tend to like them. I was supposed to have my first prenatal visit today, but it got rescheduled until Tuesday. I now know that he has an emergency c-section to perform today and was not going away for the weekend. That makes me feel slightly better.

The spotting seems to have subsided. There was nothing there today and that really helps to put my mind at ease. It is so nice when there is nothing going on. I am feeling well, the only real "symptom" that I have is sore boobs. No morning sickness, but I didn't have it last time either.

It is so nice to not be working through the first trimester. With Lia, I was working and remember being much more tired than I am now. I am tired, but not like I was. It is so nice to not have to worry about getting up 4-5 times a night and just be able to fall back asleep.

I have been thinking about Lia often. I wonder if she sent this new baby, if she picked this new baby out for us. Maybe she has already seen this little babies soul and thought that this child would be perfect for her mommy and daddy. I just pray that this baby will stay with us and grow strong and become our child here on earth. John and I will be such great parents. The two of us want nothing more right now. I feel that this is going to be a long seven months, but I hope that it goes by quickly.

I am trying not to look too far into the future right now. I am trying to take it one day at a time, I just look forward to my next appointment. Right now I don't know when I am having another sonogram and that is killing me a little bit. I am hoping the doctor may do one in the office on Tuesday, but I honestly have no idea. I am so anxious to see what he has planned for me and how he will monitor this pregnancy.

It seems that all is going well so far. I hope that it continues.

really?

More spotting. It seems to be happening just in the morning. It is really enough to make me crazy. I again will play it by ear today and see what happens as the day goes on. Hopefully nothing and hopefully nothing will happen over the weekend either. I go for another sonogram on Monday, it seems like it is so far away.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist was asking me about projection. Have I been thinking of things way in the future. I thought about it and realized I definitely have not been, I told her, I am not even sure I am going to get there yet. It is so difficult to feel this way while pregnant. I want to think the best, but I know what can happen. The reality of the situation is that anything can happen at any time. That scares the crap out of me. I think all things considered I really am doing the best that I can. I have my moments of meltdown but really, who wouldn't. I have been through so much since January and as much as this is a "happy" thing it is something else that I have to get through, we have to get through. I know I am not alone through this.

John has been amazing. Truly letting me take it easy and doing the best that he can with everything. It is nice not to worry about stuff. I truly appreciate all that he does. He has been there for me when I need him and even though he has been crazy at work he is doing his very best to be here for me.

We will get through this together, the good, the bad and the ugly, I can't do it without him.

Time is moving too slowly

I had about a day and a half on no spotting/discharge and then had some more last night and this morning. It was peachy brown, but not much. I have no cramps and hopefully it has gone away already. I am thinking that there is just some "left-over" and it is taking a bit to flush out. I really hope that is the case.

I am trying very hard to hope for the best. I will call the office if anything different happens or if I am cramping etc. In the meantime, I have another sonogram scheduled for Monday and I see the doctor on Friday.

Last time I was definitely not as worried. This time around I just want to have a sonogram everyday to see that things are progressing. I just like to know and right now, I just don't know. Each day that passes by is a day closer to the end result and I really hope that it is a good one.

We have told more people then we planned on, but at this point, I am ok with that. The more people that know, the more people that will be sending us prayers and good thoughts and positive energy. I need all the help i can get at the moment.

Hopeful waiting

Waiting for this sonogram appointment is killing me. It is in 3 weeks and it really cannot get here soon enough. Each day that I wake up I say a little thank you for still being pregnant and ask to please let me still be pregnant tomorrow. One day at a time right?!?

I thought I had some spotting today, thought being the optimal word in that statement. I am beginning to think it was the mind playing tricks on me. I took a test as soon as I got home, which was, of course, positive. It turned positive as soon as the test got wet.

It is just so nerve wracking going through everyday wondering what the outcome will be. I want so much to think that the outcome is going to be exactly what we want, a healthy, beautiful baby to bring home. Losing Lia Rose makes this possibility seem like it is not the obvious choice as it is to so many women.

I am feeling a little cheated at the moment I guess. I feel cheated out of something that should be wonderful and happy and exciting. I suppose that it is all of those things, but guarded. Add on the nervous and worried feelings which were there the first time, but not to the extent that they are there now. I really want to be happy, but I find myself saying things like, "if all goes well" or "hopefully in 8 months" knowing that the outcome of pregnancy is not guaranteed.

I am continuing to do what I can to take the best possible care of myself. I am resting when I am tired. I am drinking plenty of water. I am taking my prenatal vitamins. I am doing some activities that help to relax me and make me happy. It also helps to keep my mind busy with other things besides being pregnant again. I am finding that I just want the days to pass as quickly as they can and I am anxious for the milestones of this pregnancy. The sonogram is one that I am waiting for, 12 weeks another, but the one milestone is 18 weeks, which is when we lost Lia. 18 weeks is just about October 6th. The next milestone is the 20 week sonogram appointment that I never got to go to with Lia. That is actually the week of October 20th. If all goes well it will be a nice anniversary present for John and I.

I just try to remind myself that this is not the same pregnancy. I do not have fibroids. I need to be positive!

still pregnant

I took a test in the middle of the day yesterday and it was still positive. Seeing that little line in that window is like a breath of fresh air. I told some of our friends yesterday. We were at a barbecue and I wasn't drinking and the antibiotics were only taking me so far. Finally I said, "NO I CAN'T HAVE A DRINK" our friend said "Oh!, Can I give you a hug?" his wife was thrilled too, she is due in 5 weeks. It is still tough to see her, but I did better. I just can't help but think that my daughter should be one month old right now.

My mom told me that she can see the relief on my face. Maybe I feel slightly relieved. I was very nervous that it was going to take a long time to get pregnant again. That was far from the truth. It took us just over a month. The first month apparently we were not even technically supposed to be trying so it is a good thing that it didn't work then. So, now I don't even count it.

I am relieved that I am pregnant again. I know that I can be pregnant. When there will be some true relief is when I hear this baby cry for the first time and then get to hold this life that we created. I want this baby to live a long life in this world. Lia Rose will have a brother or a sister. I have a feeling that she already knows what it is. I hope that she is up in heaven know taking good care of her mommy and daddy because we really need her looking our for us now.

I miss her every day, and I guess time makes it a little easier, but it is still so hard. I am scared every day that something is going to happen with this pregnancy. I know that the odds are in my favor this time, but the thoughts creep in. I am doing everything I can to take care of myself and really that is all that I can do right now. It is not in my hands. That is one of the most difficult things to accept. There is this new life growing inside of me and I essentially have no control over what happens to it. I can only hope and pray for the best.

Positive

I am pregnant! I am a mother already although my baby girl is in heaven. I am pregnant again! I had a feeling on Saturday June 27th that I may be. My stomach just didn't feel quite right. I woke early on June 28th and took a test. I could not believe my eyes, but there was a faint line there. I woke up John, who confirmed that there was a faint line there. The next morning I woke up and took two different tests and they both showed positive. I was still in disbelief. I have taken 2 more tests since then and all have come up positive, I am still in disbelief.

This pregnancy is so wanted. I am trying to remain calm and positive. I am nervous and afraid. I want to know the outcome, and do not want to wait 8 more months to find out. I hope that this pregnancy is successful. I know that my last pregnancy probably would have been successful had it not been for the degenerating fibroid at 18 weeks pregnant. I tell myself that our baby girl Lia Rose was perfect, there is no reason why I should believe that this pregnancy wouldn't be ok. After losing a baby, it is hard to believe that.

John is very nervous too. He just wants me to be ok. I think he is afraid to lose me on many levels. Physically he obviously does not want to lose me, but there is an emotional piece too. I know that he does not want to lose me emotionally either. I am just beginning to get back to some semblance of my old, pre-loss, self.

I am feeling pretty well. I had a few bouts of nausea early on, many before I was even positive I was pregnant. I am tired already and my boobs hurt a little. They may not hurt as much as the first time, but I think they may have grown already.

I am anxiously awaiting my first sonogram on July 27th. That day cannot get here soon enough. My first doctors appointment is on July 31st. I still can't believe that it is real. I may have to take a test a day until the sonogram.